Wonderful Past

Life is about love & relationships and mad FUN: Family, friends & pets. We are embarking on a new chapter of our life; The Adoption of Our First Child!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Irrational Anxiety

Ever noticed how when you are having a bad day, EVERYTHING goes wrong? I admit I freak out towards the end of the day too. Unfortunately Matt gets to experience the wrath.

Granted, I have an anxiety disorder, Panic Attack Disorder, also now known as Agoraphobia, so for me when I get really nervous about something and the result of the item I am anxious about turns out different than my expectation, I freak out. This is mostly due to the fact that I HAVE NOT had dependability in my life-ever. The only dependability I have had, is that my life really isn't stable. I move every year, mine and matt's schedules are not constant, there is always an issue in my family or matt's family, amongst other things. But imagine that the only thing you can depend on is instability? I try to be decisive and I want people in my life to be decisive. I shouldn't demand this, I know it isn't fair. But I would rather plan something and know what is coming and be able to count on it rather than have my life turned upside down.

Sunday was a very bad day for me! Very BAD.

I drove home from Indianapolis and I left my best friend. She got on a plane to fly back to Boston and I drove 4 hours home to Belding. This sucked because I knew I would not see her again until the end of July. We don't talk much, but I know when I am with Nicole I can just be me. She knows all the good and bad things about my personality. And I know hers. We have come through a rough time in our friendship (before we all got married) and we are always honest with each other. I HATE that she is so flippin far away. She is the sister I never had.

I tried to call Matt several times on my way home and he didn't answer. He was shopping for a new computer, groceries etc. (I didn't know this at the time). I got really upset because I AM A NERVOUS driver. As soon as he didn't pick up I flipped out, not mad at him, but paranoid that something was going to happen to me on my drive and I would be stuck and he wouldn't know – TRIGGER - I got super scared and almost threw up. I called my mom, but it didn't help. This is hard for people to understand I know, but I try to overcome it and I just can't. So, I tried to call my brother, because he is the next person I would call to make sure I could get a hold of someone, he didn't answer. That made me feel a hundred times worse. So I drove four hours in utter terror – ridiculous I know.

On my way home, I saw a dead English Bull Dog on the side of the road. I became distraught. I love animals and it really really disturbs me when I see them on the side of the road. This dog looked like it fell out of car. It had a collar with tags and everything. I wanted to stop but I didn't. I got mad at myself. CONVERSATION WITH SELF went something like this:

"Self , why didn't you just get out and check on it?"

"Because it was dead."

"So. You could have buried it"

"With What?"

"I don't know you could have figured something out!"

Someone (the owner?) just left it on the side of the road. That is an abomination in my eyes.

When Matt finally got home (about 3:30 pm) he called me, Ahhh relief, but then I got a little agitated because he bought a Gateway after we had talked about a Dell or an HP over the last few days. Again, I don't know why but spontaneity is just something I really struggle with. Matt got upset with me. I didn't condemn him or anything I just asked why, but I guess he thought I was being critical. Anyway, I was only asking because again, we had originally talked about a DELL or an HP. But he did a good job picking it out, the new PC is AWESOME.

In Ionia, about ½ away from home, after I forgot about the Dog in Indiana, I noticed a dead German Shepard on the left hand side of the road. I could not believe it. WHAT THE DEVIL?!!!! I just couldn't believe it. I cried because I knew it was someone's faithful pet.

THEN, I got home and I became REALLY annoyed because there was like 6 days worth of JUNK mail that I had to go through and rip up because it was all credit card offers or re financing offers that had all our personal information on it. I will admit this pissed me off, because who wants to rip or shred this crap. You have to do it or someone can steal your identity and everything you have worked for.

After talking to matt and visiting with my mom and the dogs, I then I realized that since my computer died and could not be repaired, I LOST FIVE YEARS worth of AWESOME memories (PICTURES) that where all on the hard drive. I always meant to save it all to a CD and I never did. Way to go IDIOT. I have lost all the memories of stuff that I can never get back. I am always over cautious about this stuff to, and why I didn't just take time to save it to disks? I HAVE NO IDEA. And that is what makes me really upset, that I was a complete moron and didn't just take the time.

I lost an Excel Spreadsheet that had ALL of my friends& family e-mail addresses, home addresses, and Phone #'s and now the list is GONE. This list took me 2 ½ years to put together.

The stability I had created for myself, GONE in one Lightening Storm.

Not to mention the BIG HONKIN BOIL on my face (yep I got another one) was hurting so bad it was making my face feel like I got punched in the face, and causing a headache.

THEN Matt takes me to Burger King and I order a sandwich without MAYO because I HATE IT. IT IS GROSS. I tell Matt to please make sure at the window it HAS NO MAYO. He tells the lady, she says "yep, no MAYO" I get home and of course IT HAS MAYO, of course I LOST IT. I went upstairs checked myspace, and went to bed.

If you think I am crazy, I am sorry. I just get really upset. I am a perfectionist and I live in constant fear that something bad is going to happen if things are not perfect. People try to tell me to "JUST GET OVER IT, or JUST CALM DOWN" this irritates me more because all I would like is for someone to say "It will be OK" to be understanding of the fact that I am not just experiencingover reactiontion but that what ever happens when I experience this anxiety makes me sick to my stomach and I feel like I am going to die.

DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR ME, JUST TRY TO UNDERSTAND ME. Don't judge me; you have no idea what I am feeling. What is probably just a minor irritation to you, is a HORRIBLE feeling in the pit of my stomach. Imagine if you had to learn to survive on your own as a kid and that you could not trust anyone because they always let you down. It carries over into your adult life. It isn't just a habit it is a way of liingrainedined into you. It is an actual medical diagnosis, call my shrink she will tell you. This isn't a cop-out. I hardly ever bring this up, but I am realizing that I try to explain what I am feeling to often and to most people I am irrational.

Or

Maybe you are just a better person than I am.

Special Thanks



My Brother-in Laws STEVE & TODD ROCK! So does their friend Charlie and our friend D.J.

While I was in Indianapolis having fun, these special guys kicked my NASTY Landscaping Job (that we paid for last year) in the butt and completely redesigned everything.

They chopped a HUGE pile of dead branches from the over crowded trees in our mini forest, thy laid down new ground cover to prevent weeds in my garden boxes, they laid down new mulch, and WHITE ROCK (HEAVY STUFF), they spread out all the new dirt, redesigned the front walk way, with a fountain and everything (I LOVE FOUNTAINS) and made my mailbox the feature of the neighborhood. Thanks to them, when everything grows in, my house will be the best on the block. I have to take some pictures but I have not had a chance yet.

Words can't really explain how awesome it is to have brothers who will do stuff like this for you. They do it and they do it with hopes that it makes you happy and that you love it. I do, and I just hope they know that I totally appreciate it. I know it is really hard work. I really admire their creative talent and how they work together too. They should seriously open up their own landscaping business. I think they would be really successful.

THANKS THIS AWESOME GROUP OF GUYS (Sorry Charlie I don't have a pic)!!!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

The PC is DEAD

Our One Year Old Computer is Dead!

A week ago lightening struck really close to our house and caused a surge.  It set off our fire alarms.  Our house did not get fried or anything, but since we had a surge and the computer died.  You might be thinking "don't you have a surge protector?" OF COURSE.  It just doesn't work when lightening hits your power lines.  So THANK GOD for home owners insurance, so that we only have to pay half the cost of replacing it.  At any rate I can't blog or play with MySpace much since I can only use my laptop.

Also, I will be in Indianapolis over the weekend hanging out with Nicole.  I will be back Sunday.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Monster Rabbit - No Joke

This thing is huge, you can read about it here - Monster Rabbit

I soooo have to get me one of these. I am sure Booker and Fritz would not know what to do with themselves. Look how cute he is though. Like a stuffed animal I once had from FAO Schwarz. I just want to hug it and play catch with it, except with carrots not bones. LOL.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

4 MORE DAYS & Other things

Thursday I am going to see Kutless, TFK, and Falling Up!!! SWEET! I really can't wait. We are going with Beth and DJ! Hopefully, we will not see any little man(s)- lol.

Easter is at the Dad-in-laws. I love him and I love spending holidays with him. It will be nice.

Then, on 4/20 - the girls weekend in Indi. I love Indi. I used to go every quarter for user group trainings for a software I used to use in non-descrimination testing. Anyway, I stayed at the Crowne Plaze kitty corner to the RCA dome. Across the street from the RCA Dome there is a place called HOT TUNA, that I am scared to go to just because of the name- but I think I can talk Nichan into going, I am hoping they have some fabulous Cali Rolls. That weekend is going to rock! I will however miss the opening day of boating season, so hopefully it is crappy that weekend in MI so I don't miss much.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Myspace

Hmm, I did it and it is done, at least for now. I am not embarrased of it anymore. Thanks to Beth's encouragement.

For all to see:

Baby Blogger on MYSPACE

Thursday, April 06, 2006

I got this e-mail today

I got this in an e-mail today from Keely.  Kind of  a bizarre thing.  Rather than forwarding I just decided to blog it.
______________________________________
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% plepoe can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Rejected Names for Brokeback Mountain

OK so Beth is someone I first met almost a year ago when I started blogging in May 2005. My first clique consisted of Beth, Patrick and Eddie (a conservatives conservative RIP) and Pappy. They had many before me, but they were my first. Beth hasn't been blogging for awhile - and really, neither have I. Not as much as I used to. Anyway, I switched templates and had some time the last couple days to visit my clique. BETH had what is to follow on her blog - I have posted 13 of the 23, trust me you have to go visit her page and read the rest of them. They are flippin hilarious. I was dying. I really hate taking stuff from other people so I hated to do it (grandma I am sorry), but I knew Beth would understand.

Names they rejected before choosing Brokeback Mountain:

1. OKLAHOMO
2. HIGH NOONER
3. THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN INCHES
4. JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON
5. POLESMOKE
6. BUTCH ASSIDY AND THE BUNDANCE KID
7. THE MAN WHO SHOT ALL OVER LIBERTY VALANCE
8. HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG
9. THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER
10. DOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID
11. VERY RAW HIDE
12. LONESOME DOUG
13. A FISTFUL OF NED

Also, Pappy has some super hilarious stuff on his page. You have to go check it out. Plus he is from the city I grew up in. I have to show him love.

And Patrick as always, has some brilliant stuff too.

Monday, April 03, 2006

No Surprise Here Either - Thanks PJC

Your Political Profile

Overall: 85% Conservative, 15% Liberal
Social Issues: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal
Personal Responsibility: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal
Fiscal Issues: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal
Ethics: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal
Defense and Crime: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal

Ugh but OK

So I had an issue with my template (ya know the cool black one) so I had to change it to this. I guess it is ok. I have made a lot of changes to this one to make it better. Hopefully over time I can make it look outstanding.

So after long thought and trying to determine what the point is of doing it, I signed up for a myspace account. Mostly because Dejana told me too, and I wanted to comment on Beth's blog. It kind of sucks right now, and since I am a perfectionist, I will put the link up here when I finish it.

Hope everyone is doin' alright in blog land.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

How I see it

The HEART of Jesus is the Cross

To me this is a profound way of remembering how much God loves us. Think about what this means for a minute. A man took all the sins of the world (that is a lot of sin) on his back (ouch could you do it?), was crucified on a cross, and was comletely seperated from GOD (HELL).

All so we can be free.

It is awesome to know that I don't have to be perfect (because it is impossible to be perfect) before God accepts me. It is absolute relief to know that EVERYONE is broken in some way. It doesn't make us BAD it makes us human and that is our nature. So to bridge that gap between our sinful ways God gave us Jesus.

Yep, I said it, he GAVE US Jesus.

Folks, this is a free gift (don't you like presents?)

God so desperately wants a relationship with every single one of us on this planet. Honestly, what is keeping you from trying this relationship on for size (truly a one size fits all)? Check it out, see if you can trust him. Chances are, you will experience Joy you didn't even know existed.

Who doesn't want JOY?

We try everything else in life ( sex, money, alcohol, drugs, et. al.) to find happiness when the simple answer is right in front of our face.

So, what represents your heart?

Spring is here.....