Irrational Anxiety

Ever noticed how when you are having a bad day, EVERYTHING goes wrong? I admit I freak out towards the end of the day too. Unfortunately Matt gets to experience the wrath.

Granted, I have an anxiety disorder, Panic Attack Disorder, also now known as Agoraphobia, so for me when I get really nervous about something and the result of the item I am anxious about turns out different than my expectation, I freak out. This is mostly due to the fact that I HAVE NOT had dependability in my life-ever. The only dependability I have had, is that my life really isn't stable. I move every year, mine and matt's schedules are not constant, there is always an issue in my family or matt's family, amongst other things. But imagine that the only thing you can depend on is instability? I try to be decisive and I want people in my life to be decisive. I shouldn't demand this, I know it isn't fair. But I would rather plan something and know what is coming and be able to count on it rather than have my life turned upside down.

Sunday was a very bad day for me! Very BAD.

I drove home from Indianapolis and I left my best friend. She got on a plane to fly back to Boston and I drove 4 hours home to Belding. This sucked because I knew I would not see her again until the end of July. We don't talk much, but I know when I am with Nicole I can just be me. She knows all the good and bad things about my personality. And I know hers. We have come through a rough time in our friendship (before we all got married) and we are always honest with each other. I HATE that she is so flippin far away. She is the sister I never had.

I tried to call Matt several times on my way home and he didn't answer. He was shopping for a new computer, groceries etc. (I didn't know this at the time). I got really upset because I AM A NERVOUS driver. As soon as he didn't pick up I flipped out, not mad at him, but paranoid that something was going to happen to me on my drive and I would be stuck and he wouldn't know – TRIGGER - I got super scared and almost threw up. I called my mom, but it didn't help. This is hard for people to understand I know, but I try to overcome it and I just can't. So, I tried to call my brother, because he is the next person I would call to make sure I could get a hold of someone, he didn't answer. That made me feel a hundred times worse. So I drove four hours in utter terror – ridiculous I know.

On my way home, I saw a dead English Bull Dog on the side of the road. I became distraught. I love animals and it really really disturbs me when I see them on the side of the road. This dog looked like it fell out of car. It had a collar with tags and everything. I wanted to stop but I didn't. I got mad at myself. CONVERSATION WITH SELF went something like this:

"Self , why didn't you just get out and check on it?"

"Because it was dead."

"So. You could have buried it"

"With What?"

"I don't know you could have figured something out!"

Someone (the owner?) just left it on the side of the road. That is an abomination in my eyes.

When Matt finally got home (about 3:30 pm) he called me, Ahhh relief, but then I got a little agitated because he bought a Gateway after we had talked about a Dell or an HP over the last few days. Again, I don't know why but spontaneity is just something I really struggle with. Matt got upset with me. I didn't condemn him or anything I just asked why, but I guess he thought I was being critical. Anyway, I was only asking because again, we had originally talked about a DELL or an HP. But he did a good job picking it out, the new PC is AWESOME.

In Ionia, about ½ away from home, after I forgot about the Dog in Indiana, I noticed a dead German Shepard on the left hand side of the road. I could not believe it. WHAT THE DEVIL?!!!! I just couldn't believe it. I cried because I knew it was someone's faithful pet.

THEN, I got home and I became REALLY annoyed because there was like 6 days worth of JUNK mail that I had to go through and rip up because it was all credit card offers or re financing offers that had all our personal information on it. I will admit this pissed me off, because who wants to rip or shred this crap. You have to do it or someone can steal your identity and everything you have worked for.

After talking to matt and visiting with my mom and the dogs, I then I realized that since my computer died and could not be repaired, I LOST FIVE YEARS worth of AWESOME memories (PICTURES) that where all on the hard drive. I always meant to save it all to a CD and I never did. Way to go IDIOT. I have lost all the memories of stuff that I can never get back. I am always over cautious about this stuff to, and why I didn't just take time to save it to disks? I HAVE NO IDEA. And that is what makes me really upset, that I was a complete moron and didn't just take the time.

I lost an Excel Spreadsheet that had ALL of my friends& family e-mail addresses, home addresses, and Phone #'s and now the list is GONE. This list took me 2 ½ years to put together.

The stability I had created for myself, GONE in one Lightening Storm.

Not to mention the BIG HONKIN BOIL on my face (yep I got another one) was hurting so bad it was making my face feel like I got punched in the face, and causing a headache.

THEN Matt takes me to Burger King and I order a sandwich without MAYO because I HATE IT. IT IS GROSS. I tell Matt to please make sure at the window it HAS NO MAYO. He tells the lady, she says "yep, no MAYO" I get home and of course IT HAS MAYO, of course I LOST IT. I went upstairs checked myspace, and went to bed.

If you think I am crazy, I am sorry. I just get really upset. I am a perfectionist and I live in constant fear that something bad is going to happen if things are not perfect. People try to tell me to "JUST GET OVER IT, or JUST CALM DOWN" this irritates me more because all I would like is for someone to say "It will be OK" to be understanding of the fact that I am not just experiencingover reactiontion but that what ever happens when I experience this anxiety makes me sick to my stomach and I feel like I am going to die.

DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR ME, JUST TRY TO UNDERSTAND ME. Don't judge me; you have no idea what I am feeling. What is probably just a minor irritation to you, is a HORRIBLE feeling in the pit of my stomach. Imagine if you had to learn to survive on your own as a kid and that you could not trust anyone because they always let you down. It carries over into your adult life. It isn't just a habit it is a way of liingrainedined into you. It is an actual medical diagnosis, call my shrink she will tell you. This isn't a cop-out. I hardly ever bring this up, but I am realizing that I try to explain what I am feeling to often and to most people I am irrational.

Or

Maybe you are just a better person than I am.