Wonderful Past

Life is about love & relationships and mad FUN: Family, friends & pets. We are embarking on a new chapter of our life; The Adoption of Our First Child!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Irrational Anxiety

Ever noticed how when you are having a bad day, EVERYTHING goes wrong? I admit I freak out towards the end of the day too. Unfortunately Matt gets to experience the wrath.

Granted, I have an anxiety disorder, Panic Attack Disorder, also now known as Agoraphobia, so for me when I get really nervous about something and the result of the item I am anxious about turns out different than my expectation, I freak out. This is mostly due to the fact that I HAVE NOT had dependability in my life-ever. The only dependability I have had, is that my life really isn't stable. I move every year, mine and matt's schedules are not constant, there is always an issue in my family or matt's family, amongst other things. But imagine that the only thing you can depend on is instability? I try to be decisive and I want people in my life to be decisive. I shouldn't demand this, I know it isn't fair. But I would rather plan something and know what is coming and be able to count on it rather than have my life turned upside down.

Sunday was a very bad day for me! Very BAD.

I drove home from Indianapolis and I left my best friend. She got on a plane to fly back to Boston and I drove 4 hours home to Belding. This sucked because I knew I would not see her again until the end of July. We don't talk much, but I know when I am with Nicole I can just be me. She knows all the good and bad things about my personality. And I know hers. We have come through a rough time in our friendship (before we all got married) and we are always honest with each other. I HATE that she is so flippin far away. She is the sister I never had.

I tried to call Matt several times on my way home and he didn't answer. He was shopping for a new computer, groceries etc. (I didn't know this at the time). I got really upset because I AM A NERVOUS driver. As soon as he didn't pick up I flipped out, not mad at him, but paranoid that something was going to happen to me on my drive and I would be stuck and he wouldn't know – TRIGGER - I got super scared and almost threw up. I called my mom, but it didn't help. This is hard for people to understand I know, but I try to overcome it and I just can't. So, I tried to call my brother, because he is the next person I would call to make sure I could get a hold of someone, he didn't answer. That made me feel a hundred times worse. So I drove four hours in utter terror – ridiculous I know.

On my way home, I saw a dead English Bull Dog on the side of the road. I became distraught. I love animals and it really really disturbs me when I see them on the side of the road. This dog looked like it fell out of car. It had a collar with tags and everything. I wanted to stop but I didn't. I got mad at myself. CONVERSATION WITH SELF went something like this:

"Self , why didn't you just get out and check on it?"

"Because it was dead."

"So. You could have buried it"

"With What?"

"I don't know you could have figured something out!"

Someone (the owner?) just left it on the side of the road. That is an abomination in my eyes.

When Matt finally got home (about 3:30 pm) he called me, Ahhh relief, but then I got a little agitated because he bought a Gateway after we had talked about a Dell or an HP over the last few days. Again, I don't know why but spontaneity is just something I really struggle with. Matt got upset with me. I didn't condemn him or anything I just asked why, but I guess he thought I was being critical. Anyway, I was only asking because again, we had originally talked about a DELL or an HP. But he did a good job picking it out, the new PC is AWESOME.

In Ionia, about ½ away from home, after I forgot about the Dog in Indiana, I noticed a dead German Shepard on the left hand side of the road. I could not believe it. WHAT THE DEVIL?!!!! I just couldn't believe it. I cried because I knew it was someone's faithful pet.

THEN, I got home and I became REALLY annoyed because there was like 6 days worth of JUNK mail that I had to go through and rip up because it was all credit card offers or re financing offers that had all our personal information on it. I will admit this pissed me off, because who wants to rip or shred this crap. You have to do it or someone can steal your identity and everything you have worked for.

After talking to matt and visiting with my mom and the dogs, I then I realized that since my computer died and could not be repaired, I LOST FIVE YEARS worth of AWESOME memories (PICTURES) that where all on the hard drive. I always meant to save it all to a CD and I never did. Way to go IDIOT. I have lost all the memories of stuff that I can never get back. I am always over cautious about this stuff to, and why I didn't just take time to save it to disks? I HAVE NO IDEA. And that is what makes me really upset, that I was a complete moron and didn't just take the time.

I lost an Excel Spreadsheet that had ALL of my friends& family e-mail addresses, home addresses, and Phone #'s and now the list is GONE. This list took me 2 ½ years to put together.

The stability I had created for myself, GONE in one Lightening Storm.

Not to mention the BIG HONKIN BOIL on my face (yep I got another one) was hurting so bad it was making my face feel like I got punched in the face, and causing a headache.

THEN Matt takes me to Burger King and I order a sandwich without MAYO because I HATE IT. IT IS GROSS. I tell Matt to please make sure at the window it HAS NO MAYO. He tells the lady, she says "yep, no MAYO" I get home and of course IT HAS MAYO, of course I LOST IT. I went upstairs checked myspace, and went to bed.

If you think I am crazy, I am sorry. I just get really upset. I am a perfectionist and I live in constant fear that something bad is going to happen if things are not perfect. People try to tell me to "JUST GET OVER IT, or JUST CALM DOWN" this irritates me more because all I would like is for someone to say "It will be OK" to be understanding of the fact that I am not just experiencingover reactiontion but that what ever happens when I experience this anxiety makes me sick to my stomach and I feel like I am going to die.

DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR ME, JUST TRY TO UNDERSTAND ME. Don't judge me; you have no idea what I am feeling. What is probably just a minor irritation to you, is a HORRIBLE feeling in the pit of my stomach. Imagine if you had to learn to survive on your own as a kid and that you could not trust anyone because they always let you down. It carries over into your adult life. It isn't just a habit it is a way of liingrainedined into you. It is an actual medical diagnosis, call my shrink she will tell you. This isn't a cop-out. I hardly ever bring this up, but I am realizing that I try to explain what I am feeling to often and to most people I am irrational.


Maybe you are just a better person than I am.

11 Other Freaks Said:

At 4:14 PM, Blogger Patrick Joubert Conlon said...

I used to be very "neurotic" when I was younger but it's just gotten easier the older I get.

At 8:43 PM, Blogger Assorted Babble by Suzie said...

I definitely understand, and pray things are better for you.

These things you named, I live with also....anxiety disorder, Panic Attack Disorder Agoraphobia, NERVOUS driver, etc. etc.

People that suffer w/this do know what you went through and deal with.

At 10:34 PM, Blogger mihemija said...

This is the great thing about blogs, you can completely release any feelings you have that you might not otherwise be able to do. If that made any sense:) I too suffer from anxiety issues. It has gotten better but not completely gone away. I can tell you what I do. I pray. Honestly. I pray that God will just take it away and 99% of the time I find it easier to grasp things that come up in my life. Just a thought that might help you or maybe not. I'll say a prayer that your week gets better!

At 3:17 AM, Blogger Three Score and Ten or more said...

I rode with you the whole way. If you want to spend the money, you can probably get most of the data from your old hard drive (I KNOW this) though it isn't "inexpensive". Sometimes one victory makes up for a bunch of piddling attacks. (or not). We all can relate, if we're honest.

At 9:47 AM, Blogger Bstermyster said...

PJC - I pray I get better at coping as I get older.

Suzie, Thanks for the understanding.

Heather. I really needed to remember that I should pray about it more often. I hate feeling that way. Sometimes I feel like the little annoyances don't matter to God. That is is just me.

Three Score, the guy who was suppposed to fix our PC said he could not get anything off it. How do I go about finding someone who can do it? I think five years workth of memories, that I thought were important enough to take pictures of are worth a little money. Maybe not thousands but maybe a couple hundred.

At 12:23 PM, Blogger mihemija said...

Oh they do though!! Last week as I was going to get my weekly allergy shots, it was raining quite steadily. My husband was working so I had to take both boys with me. Now I tried to talk myself out of going because I knew by the time I got there and got both kids out and walked into the hospital(which is where I get my shots) that we would all be soaked. But I went anyway. I thought to myself that I should pray for the rain to stop and then I said no thats stupid God won't answer a small unimportant prayer as that. But I did it anyway. And can I tell you that the exact SECOND I pulled into the parking lot it COMPLETELY stopped raining!!!!!!!!!!! I was talking to a friend on my cell and couldn't believe my eyes. I think that was God's little way of saying "Yes, Heather I do hear your little unimportant prayers and yes I CAN answer them!!!" I'm telling you Sarah PRAY unceasingly! He can and will help you!!!! That's one of the awesome things about him!!!

At 4:32 PM, Blogger Ni-Chan said...

I don't know about prayer...but take 2 xanax and have a glass of wine! That's how I got through the planning of my wedding...LOL.

I make light, but it is true. I know we spoke about this at some great length last night and humor can also be a powerful weapon in your arsenal. You will have good days and bad days. The bad days may be more than you think you can take...but you are living proof that you can take it.

Most importantly, remember that you don't have to apologize for who you are to ANYONE! You need not be perfect, you need not be ashamed or embarrassed that you are a living person who has feelings and emotions. Those who love you do so without any expectation from you other than you be the person you are.

Call me anytime...I am out in here Kerry-land, counting the toyotas and hondas and trying to understand when MA became a socialist state

At 4:35 PM, Blogger Ni-Chan said...

Oh, one more thing...I love you too...I am not so far away...and soon, let's hope I am even closer. Keep praying! Still no news:(

At 4:51 AM, Blogger Three Score and Ten or more said...

The best bet is to go to a place where they do a lot of repair (Best Buy Geek Squad,etc.) and ask them (they probably can't or won't do it themselves) if they know anyone who can get stuff off a none functioning hard drive. (Sometimes they are referred to a forensic repairs--- but not everywhere) Usually someone will know someone. I know someone who went to the police and asked if they had someone who did that kind of work-- and got a name. I just got that done myself, but I just dumped it on my son who works for a computer company, and he either did it himself of talked one of the other folks into doing it. (My drive was partitioned and they were only able to get half of it, but hey?)

At 6:49 AM, Blogger Tony Myles said...

I hate Mayo, too. :)

Hope this next weekend is much better!

At 7:19 PM, Blogger Friar Tuck said...

I read this and felt like I imagine you felt just reading it.

Must have been much more difficult in real life.



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