Do you ever feel like you are worthless, or that people don't care about you? I do, even though I know that God loves me. I struggle with feelings that the people who are supposed to love me the most, don't really. Sometimes I just want life to end, so that I can be in heaven NOW. I guess my problem is that I feel uncomfortable all the time, I feel paranoid, and I feel like I don't really contribute anything to society, or my family. I am not extraordinary, nor do I really have any talent. I have to work twice as hard as everyone else just to be decent at something. There isn't really something that I am so good at, people will say "Sarah knows all about that....." Most of the people around me are extraordinary in some way, super smart, goodlooking, they have a lot going for them and probably an easy road to success, what I mean by easy road is, they just work hard and they will make it. For me, everything takes a lot extra, I mean I have to take medicine, work out 7 days a week, never eat anything that tastes really good just to maintain the weight I am at (which as most of you know is not a thin figure) as a result of this stupid tumor. Now for others, losing weight is difficult, but at least they can. I have to work really hard just to not get any bigger. I am not trying to be self centered and make it all about me, but I am just really tired of trying so hard, and working so hard just to be a mediocre person in the world. I just want to give up. The hard part about all this, is that I don't think people really understand, or want to understand the depth of how I feel. I feel lonely, and sad most of the time, but I also have a front that nothing bothers me and that I am strong, in reality I am weak. I am a weakling. I guess once I admit it things might get better because I can come to grips with the fact that no matter how hard I try, I don't really matter in the world. Like I said, I know that God loves me, and that is kind of hard at times to deal with because I don't know why he does. I know that once life is over, I will never feel pain again because I will be with him in heaven and there is no such thing as pain in heaven, but times here on earth are sometimes unbearable. I wish I didn't have to yell or get upset so that people will know that I am serious. I have never had anyone in my life listen to me or take me seriously until I get upset. Why is that?? Then when I do get upset it just makes people think I am crazy, which is unfair. Don't I have a right to be upset when my feelings are not respected? I don't think that is unreasonable. I am tired of listening to everyone else problems, because as much as I care about other people and try to be the best listener and offer advice, when it is my turn, the seriousness of what I am feeling is not acknowledged.