Worthless
Do you ever feel like you are worthless, or that people don't care about you? I do, even though I know that God loves me. I struggle with feelings that the people who are supposed to love me the most, don't really. Sometimes I just want life to end, so that I can be in heaven NOW. I guess my problem is that I feel uncomfortable all the time, I feel paranoid, and I feel like I don't really contribute anything to society, or my family. I am not extraordinary, nor do I really have any talent. I have to work twice as hard as everyone else just to be decent at something. There isn't really something that I am so good at, people will say "Sarah knows all about that....." Most of the people around me are extraordinary in some way, super smart, goodlooking, they have a lot going for them and probably an easy road to success, what I mean by easy road is, they just work hard and they will make it. For me, everything takes a lot extra, I mean I have to take medicine, work out 7 days a week, never eat anything that tastes really good just to maintain the weight I am at (which as most of you know is not a thin figure) as a result of this stupid tumor. Now for others, losing weight is difficult, but at least they can. I have to work really hard just to not get any bigger. I am not trying to be self centered and make it all about me, but I am just really tired of trying so hard, and working so hard just to be a mediocre person in the world. I just want to give up. The hard part about all this, is that I don't think people really understand, or want to understand the depth of how I feel. I feel lonely, and sad most of the time, but I also have a front that nothing bothers me and that I am strong, in reality I am weak. I am a weakling. I guess once I admit it things might get better because I can come to grips with the fact that no matter how hard I try, I don't really matter in the world. Like I said, I know that God loves me, and that is kind of hard at times to deal with because I don't know why he does. I know that once life is over, I will never feel pain again because I will be with him in heaven and there is no such thing as pain in heaven, but times here on earth are sometimes unbearable. I wish I didn't have to yell or get upset so that people will know that I am serious. I have never had anyone in my life listen to me or take me seriously until I get upset. Why is that?? Then when I do get upset it just makes people think I am crazy, which is unfair. Don't I have a right to be upset when my feelings are not respected? I don't think that is unreasonable. I am tired of listening to everyone else problems, because as much as I care about other people and try to be the best listener and offer advice, when it is my turn, the seriousness of what I am feeling is not acknowledged.
posted by Bstermyster @ 8:35 AM
2 Other Freaks Said:
Sarah,
This last entry really touched my heart. In fact, it hit so close to home that I was almost uncomfortable reading it. Killy me Softly with your blog is what you were doing. I am so glad that you are trying to confront these feelings that you have about yourself. That is the only way change the way you view yourself and emerge a more self-confident person who KNOWS they are worthy of love, support and respect. I believe more people feel like you do than are willing to admit it. In fact, my feeling is that the more together a person appears, the more they are plagued by insecurities. I can't tell you how many times that I have beaten myself down for many of the same reasons and some different reasons. In the meantime, know that Greg and I love you. We will always be here for you and Matt no matter how far away you are from us of how rarely we actually get to sit down and talk. If Greg and Matt weren't in the picture, I would still be there for you. Over the years, I have been pleasantly surprised while getting to know you. I thought that the front you put up was truly who you are. I found that first impressions don't mean anything and that you are a deeply sensitive, faithful, loyal, caring friend who has an incredible vision for your life and an incredible amount of dedication and devotion to everything and everyone that you love. I will leave you with a quote that I look at almost daily and smile:
"Don't judge each day by the harvest you read, but by the seeds you plant"
-Robert Louis Stevenson
Sarah,
I really hate not having a phone to contact you. Now I know why you have been on my mind so much the last few days. As your mom I want you to know I love you very much. I daily thank the Lord for blessing me with you as my daughter. No matter how un-special you think you are, you are very special. You always felt like you had to be the stong one and to be there for your brothers and even me, but IT IS ALLOWED to be weak and feel afraid at times.We both seem to go through these feelings and are afraid to admit them to others. But I will remind you of what you said to me a few months ago. "Don't let the enemy take your joy." It's a spiritual battle and the enemy knows you are serving the Lord. You are making a difference in other's lives and the enemy will come at you with all he has to make you feel worthless. Keep your eyes on Jesus and know when He said "it is finished" it is finished, the war has already been won, we just have to hang on and take one battle at time, knowing HE is our source and the battle belongs to the Lord. I am so proud of you as I see you growing so much in your spiritual walk and your life. You will never really know the extent of my pride in you. I love you and your family and friends love you more than you can imagine.
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