Wonderful Past

Life is about love & relationships and mad FUN: Family, friends & pets. We are embarking on a new chapter of our life; The Adoption of Our First Child!

Friday, September 16, 2005

Crying

All I want to do today is cry

I feel so sad

I am emotionally tapped out

In 40 days I remember my best friend Jessica who was killed 10 years ago by a drunk guy in a van who ran a stop sign. We were in youth group together. She was a year older than me. She moved up to the highschool that year. I saw her the Thursday before she was killed. I was supposed to be with her the night she died. I was at a youth function, she went to a party with her new highschool friends.

Although I love fall, I hate it too. I chose to get Married the same month she died so that I had something happy at the sametime so I don't spend so much time missing her. Every year about now I remember that next month it will be "insert # of years here" that she has been gone. I think about all the things that I have gotten to do that she hasn't.

I miss her.

She loved english muffins with blackberry jam and those stupid little trolls with the crazy hair.

I see her in my friend Amy.

I wish she was still alive.

8 Other Freaks Said:

At 12:42 AM, Blogger Super Hip GMa said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 12:47 AM, Blogger Super Hip GMa said...

I also remember the day Jessica died & how hard it was on all you young people. It was so hard to believe that she was gone all because of a drunken driver. One of the ladies from the church came over that evening to help, but all of you helped her as much as she you. Remember how you all thought Jessica was an angel sent from heaven to be there for you. I believe she was. Love you

 
At 11:17 AM, Blogger watbull said...

I think that it is perfectly normal to grieve like this, Sarah. You and Jessica were obviously very close. I am certain that many people can relate to how you feel, too. I, myself, count every year since the day my father died. My husband, Tom, does the same for his brother. It's normal to feel sad around the anniversary of a loved one's death. And, it's normal to cry, too. So, you go right ahead and do so.

Have you ever read Emily Dickinson's poem, Retrospect? I think that it may be appropriate here... considering your friend's death, as well as the time of year that she died.

Retrospect

'Twas just this time, last year, I died.
I know I heard the corn,
When I was carried by the farms,--
It had the tassels on.

I thought how yellow it would look
When Richard went to mill;
And then I wanted to get out,
But something held my will.

I thought just how red apples wedged
The stubble's joints between;
And carts went stooping round the fields
To take the pumpkins in.

I wondered which would miss me least,
And when Thanksgiving came,
If Father'd multiply the plates
To make an even sum.

And if my stocking hung too high,
Would it blur the Christmas glee,
That not a Santa Claus could reach
The altitude of me?

But this sort grieved myself, and so
I thought how it would be
When just this time, some perfect year,
Themselves should come to me.

 
At 1:00 PM, Blogger Bstermyster said...

I have actually never heard that before and it is beautiful. Thanks for posting it.

 
At 9:54 PM, Blogger Assorted Babble by Suzie said...

I am so sorry for your loss of Jessica and that you feel so sad.

I have lost 5 life-long friends in the last several years and it bothers me deeply. I can honestly say I know that feeling. All were my best friends and I grew up with most of them. It totally has affected me.

Try if you can to remember the good times, but no matter what anyone says...it is a personal thing that we all have to unfortunately deal with....how sad.

God Bless you....sounds like she was and is an angel.
Sending smiles to you.....

 
At 12:30 PM, Blogger Mandrake said...

there is little i can say to lessen the pain!! but then hey!! look up!! this is a reason for you to realise how important life is!!! its an amazing world out there!! and god is great!! cheer up!!!

 
At 1:44 AM, Blogger Bstermyster said...

Suzi thanks for the heartfelt comments. Every year I go throug this and it doesn't get easier. I just talk less and less about it because I don't think people want to hear it. I can't imagine losing as many friends/loved ones as you have. The pain never goes away. I really miss her mom. Her mom was the best. She moved out of Cali to get away from all the bad memories. I have some pictures I am going to put on my blog later, closer to the day. Blogging really helps me get stuff off my chest. I am glad that I have had the chance to get to know all my new blogging friends, I am also very grateful that T.O.E and I are getting to know each other better off this blog stuff, he is such a sweet heart.

Ratjat thanks for the comments you are right. She is part of the reason I made a ton of changes in my life. I just really miss her.

 
At 9:15 AM, Blogger Eddie said...

I am really sorry to hear that.

By the way, I am doing well. Thanks for asking. It's raining today here a lot, but my spirits are high. I am so glad the days are getting shorter and cooler. It makes it easier to sleep.

 

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